The Idea of a Child

 

        The idea that you are stuck with your family pisses me off. It’s been baked into society for what seems like eons, but it never seems to allow for exceptions, at least nowadays. No child should be forced to care for their ailing parents when they can barely take care of themselves. No one should be forced to listen to their grandfather spout off nonsense conspiracy theories just because he’s “family”. And, most importantly for this essay, no child whose family does not love them should be forced to stay with them.

This is something I expect to trip people up. If the child is allowed to stay with/in contact with the family, then that means they love them, right? This isn’t a “dad went to go get milk and cigarettes” situation. What’s the issue?

Here’s the thing- Some parents don’t love their children. But they do love the idea of them. Let me explain.

Most parents- The ones who actively wanted a kid in the first place- Have the idea of a child in their brains. As someone who has sworn off kids I can’t tell you what the appeal is exactly- My understanding is that it differs from person to person. Someone they can dress up, someone to imprint their desires and failed aspirations onto, a couple of extra kidneys, etcetera. The main issue arises when that idea becomes a person.

There are two reactions to when a child becomes a person, a person that, 9 times out of 10, is not remotely close to the idea the parents had in their heads. One, the parent finds joy in helping the child grow more and more into that person. If they love dinosaurs, take them to a fossil museum. If they love D&D, find a local game shop that’s doing kid’s nights. If they love Roblox, then swallow your pride and play Roblox with them (I kid, the game can seem genuinely interesting when it’s not being actively dangerous).

The other reaction, the one I’ve unfortunately seen time and time again, is to vehemently fight against that child becoming anything but what you want. Stifle their wants, shove them into classes they hate, throw a giant fit when they dare to get a C on their essay. And if they dare come to you and tell you they’re anything but straight and cis, make them suffer.

I’ve witnessed far too many of these situations. And because of how society treats the idea of family, people are incentivized, if not bullied, to not leave their family. Guilt tripping is commonplace among families with children whom they only love the idea of.

And that’s the thing, really. If a family only loves the idea of you and not you as a person…. They don’t love you, do they? And who would want to stay in contact- let alone live with- people who don’t love them? 

All these people I’ve seen who go through this and don’t immediately cut their families off when they finally get free… It boggles my mind. I want to grab them, shake them, remind them of how they’ve been treated. I was once told a story by a trans content creator of a christmas where, after not asking for anything specific for their entire lives despite their family complaining, they finally asked for something, and that something was makeup. What did they get for Christmas that year? Gamer socks. And not even comfy ones. This infuriated me to near boiling.

Maybe I’m just biased. My situation with my family wasn’t that they locked me down, or tried to bully me into being who they wanted. The second they found out I was autistic, they just… Gave up. Handed me off to whatever expert they could find and said, “You deal with this, we can’t.” It made it a lot easier to cut them off when the time finally came.

But for anyone reading this essay, I still feel the need to say- If your family does not love you, you owe them nothing. Nowadays, found family is easier and easier to find thanks to the internet. You can meet people online that would be more ride or die for you than your own flesh and blood. We don’t have to settle anymore. So don’t.